Uncategorized

Adult children… they may still give their parents problems

Seeing their children step into adulthood, building their careers and starting their own families is a joy for many parents and grandparents. Certainly, many would take delight in waxing lyrical to their relatives and friends about their children’s achievements, taking pride that they have done their duty to give their best in laying the foundation in the early years.

However, increasingly with changes in our social environment, we are beginning to hear uncomplimentary stories of children who abuse their parents, scrimp on their parents while they spend extravagantly on their own, or worse, get into debts and ask their parents to bail them out. There were a number of cases where sadly, aged parents have to take their children to Court to seek monthly maintenance. Issues like these are not uncommon to our society. They are happening everywhere, in US, Europe and Asia.

What went wrong? Where’s the love and blood ties between parents and children? As parents, we have always wanted to give the best for our children, to the best of our abilities. But somewhere, somehow, this is not always reciprocated.  Most of us can recall some time in our childhood when Mom and Dad would say lovingly, and at times with a gentle hand stroking our heads, words to the effect, “When you grow up, you have to be caring, kind, honest, polite, respectful, and considerate. Don’t forget Mummy and Daddy.”

Unfortunately, no matter how well parents try to raise their children, there will be some, even among the sweetest ones, who will change when they become adults.  They become inconsiderate human beings not only to others but also to their parents. Just how then do you deal with your inconsiderate adult children?

Stay calm and cool

It’s easier said than done, but as parents, you need to stay clam and cool down before you speak to your child. Recognise that your child has grown up and is now an adult. Even if your child is raising his/her voice, don’t follow suit. Remember, fighting fire with fire will not solve the problem. Tell him/her that you will discuss with them when everyone is not emotional.

When you do get a chance to calm the situation and have a discussion, do let your child know how you feel.  Tell him/her that you don’t appreciate the inconsiderate actions.  Share with him/her how these actions are affecting you and possibly others around you, including your spouse.

Offer help

Find out if he/she has a problem. Sometimes, your child may act out of character because of personal problems that they are going through.  Perhaps it’s financial difficulties, health issues or their social relationships that caused them to behave as such. Find out if anything is bothering them.  Offer help, if you can, without making them too dependent on you.

Learn to say no

A pitfall to avoid is to allow your children to force you to do anything against your will.

Do set boundaries so that they don’t run to you for every little thing. Let them know what kind of support you can offer and how far you are willing to go. I have heard stories of adult children asking parents to fix their medical appointments, pay their road tax or traffic fines when they could have done it on their own.

As parents, if you do something for your children, do it only because you want to, not because you are coerced to do so. Doing everything for them will only weaken them at the expense of yourselves. Explain your reasons for turning them down in a rationale manner, and they will certainly come to appreciate your intentions, instead of blame you.

There are things that you can do or give to them which they will appreciate, such as helping them raise their kids, doing special chores for them, or buying their favourite dish for dinner.

Keep the bond aglow

Even after your adult children have moved out, keep in touch with them to maintain your bond. Physical distance should not keep you emotionally detached from them.

Tap on technology like sms and email to communicate with them regularly without being intrusive. Make it a point to give them a call or have a webcam chat with them at least once a week. After all, an exchange of written text can never beat hearing your loved one’s voice or seeing his/her face. Some adventurous and technology-savvy parents have even taken to social networking websites like Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with their children.

But being able to meet in person is still the best way to keep a relationship strong. Do invite your children over or meet them for a meal on occasion.

Most parents will agree that parenting is one of the hardest, if not, the most difficult job. While we are a major influence in their physical and emotional development, the relationship they form with others, i.e. their circle of friends, significant other, colleagues, or business associates when they go out into the world can greatly alter their character.

Should you find yourself having to deal with inconsiderate adult children, you are certainly not alone. Patience, love and open communication can go a long way in keeping the bond aglow.

– This article first appeared in a lifestyle magazine